Delightful Client Malapropisms

The ABA Journal recently asked its readers whether they could think of any “delightful client malapropisms” they had heard and would be willing to share.  Below are some highlights from the 103 comments posted by attorneys:

  • In a rape case, the witness said the woman had the reputation of being a prostitute. The judge asked the witness, “Is she a chaste woman?”  The witness responded, “Yes sir Judge, lots of men chases her.”
  • I once heard a witness in a criminal case take the “Fifth Dimension”.
  • Defendant had just been sentenced to life in prison with no opportunity for parole.  He turned to his lawyer (my partner) and asked “Do I get credit for time served?”  A few minutes later he asked “Can I have congenital visits?”
  • I asked a client if she’d ever been deposed before. She looked at me quizzically and said that she’d never been asked to leave the country.
  • As a summer associate with a Fortune 500 company, I attended a Board meeting at which the CEO stood up, pounded the table, and said of a competitor: “We need to send them a ‘cease to exist’ letter!”

This gem comes from an attorney:

  • Judge, trying to help, asked a new young attorney in one of his first hearings “would you like to invoke the rule, counsel?” To which the young attorney replied, “Your Honor, I want to invoke ALL the rules!”